How to Heal Your Relationship with Food

People struggle with eating in many different ways so there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to recovery and healing. I’d like to offer some insights into what healing your relationship with food might look like, based on my experience as an eating disorder counsellor and from my own lived experience. This is just my perspective and some common themes I’ve noticed in practice. The most important thing is that you find the right path to explore these issues in a way that feels right for you, at your own pace.

Exploring the Past

Your relationship with food starts forming before you’re even born. As babies, our brains are like little sponges, learning from everyone around us — how to eat, how to communicate, and how to trust. Having loving caregivers in the early years is crucial for forming good relationships, including your relationship with yourself and with food. This doesn’t mean that if your parents weren’t able to meet your needs it’s their fault, as often they’re a product of their own circumstances. Growing up facing adversity or experiencing trauma can have a huge impact on your life and your relationship with food/your body.
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It’s also important to consider your parents’ attitudes towards food and eating — not to blame them, but to recognise that they have likely grown up surrounded by diet culture too. I grew up thinking that, as a girl, I had to be on a diet and always strive to lose weight. That was just normal to me, I didn’t question it until I started challenging diet culture later.​

​Unlearning Diet Culture

In my 20s, I started learning more about feminism, diet culture, and body positivity. I started to get angry about how capitalism profits from making people feel bad about their bodies (to be fair, I’m still angry about that!) I started questioning everything I’d grown up thinking was normal, like the idea that I had to lose weight to be loveable.
It was a long process, which led me to learn about intersectionality and then, later, therapeutic theories as I trained to become a counsellor. Working as a counsellor means you’re always learning — both from clients and through continued training/professional development. I still have too many books on my shelves that I want to read and too many podcasts to listen to!
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Working on your relationship with food isn’t a quick fix. I’ve engaged in many years of therapy and learning, and I don’t say that to put anyone off as it’s been completely worth it, but I understand how daunting it can feel. Your relationship with food has been built over many years, so it makes sense that unlearning and healing can also take years. This journey isn’t something to be rushed, it evolves as you grow and that’s all part of the process.
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​​Anger and Grieving

I found that my anger towards diet culture was helpful as I channelled it into passion. Many people experience grief for the life that diet culture has taken from them. Christy Harrison calls diet culture the “life thief”. Dieting and trying to lose weight keeps us distracted, takes away our joy in the present, and makes us believe that happiness is something we can only achieve after we’ve lost weight. This also happens to be the lie that makes the diet industry a lot of money.

Many people I speak to feel frustrated with themselves for having been trapped in diet culture for so long and just want to break free. It can be difficult to let go of past versions of their bodies-especially if they used to be in a smaller body. But bodies change throughout our lives, and it’s almost impossible to stay the same size forever. As we get older, we may get ill, our capacity for movement may reduce, and our weight is likely to change for many reasons. It’s all part of the human experience. Grieving these changes and adapting is something most people will need to do at some point. This may also mean working on health anxieties and existential concerns too.​

​Dealing with Weight Stigma

Many people struggling with disordered eating have experienced weight stigma, and this isn’t just limited to those in larger bodies. Never underestimate how painful early experiences of weight stigma, bullying, or so-called “teasing” can be. Personally, I don’t like the word “teasing” — it’s often a way to minimise bullying and even abuse. I was “teased” a lot as a child, and I know first-hand how much that stays with you throughout your life.

I hear so many stories of difficult childhood experiences of weight stigma, regardless of their body size. For some in smaller bodies, it’s a fear of getting larger. For those in larger bodies, it’s a fear of never being able to lose weight. But neither of these fears are solely about body size, it’s about trying to escape weight stigma and discrimination. If people in larger bodies weren’t treated so badly, would there be so much fear around gaining weight?
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People in larger bodies are more likely to face discrimination and medical bias. Sadly, being in a larger body can make it difficult for some people to visit a doctor when struggling with an eating disorder. Too many people are referred to weight management services or put on diets when what they really need is specialist support for disordered eating.

​Healing from Trauma

Disordered eating and trauma often overlap. Here, I mean trauma in the broadest sense, not only “capital T” trauma (one-off traumatic events) but rather prolonged negative experiences, relational difficulties, and emotional neglect. Not having your emotional needs met as a child has a huge impact on your life. I also think about intergenerational trauma — the experiences that affected our parents and grandparents, including historical and societal trauma such as war and genocide. Trauma also includes experiencing weight stigma, ableism, healthism and other forms of discrimination and oppression. Eating problems benefit from an intersectional view, considering the “big picture” socio-cultural contexts but also the individual’s intersecting aspects of identity.​

​Understanding the Cultural Impact of Food

Our culture and heritage shape the way we eat. We all absorb the messages we hear about food and bodies, and more generally how mental health is discussed (or not discussed). In some communities, there’s a belief that eating disorders don’t exist, or that mental health isn’t something to talk about. This can silence people’s struggles and act as a huge barrier to getting help.
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Your heritage may bring both positives and negatives to your relationship with food. My own experience of this is being part Italian, which taught me to love cooking, but also means I was expected to eat humongous meals as a child. This led me into what I would now call “compensatory” thinking and behaviours, thinking that I had to counter what I’d eaten or “work it off”. Part of healing my relationship with food has been about embracing the positive aspects of this, such as my memories of cooking with my grandmother, and my continued love for cooking. Italians love to spend time over food and it’s often a big social occasion, and I think this social connection aspect of food is so important. ​

​Building Self-Worth

Healing your relationship with food involves learning to trust yourself again. Many people struggling with food and body image have low self-worth, and this can be especially the case for those who have experienced trauma. Self-worth can be connected to deep-rooted shame, so healing can be a long, slow process. There is no easy way to describe how to build your self-esteem and self-worth as it’s such an individual journey. I personally feel it involves so much more than just some positive thinking or affirmations (though if these work for you then great!)

​My experience of building self-worth has been through many years of therapy and unlearning/challenging/relearning — everything I’ve mentioned here, plus having supportive relationships in my life, including therapeutic relationships. Therapy isn’t just about getting things off your chest or “fixing” a problem. In the relational approach I use, healing happens through the therapeutic relationship itself. This can be hard to explain if you haven’t experienced it. For me, it was something I only truly understood once I felt it.​

Self-Compassion

Building self-compassion is an important part of healing your relationship with food and your body. This can be incredibly difficult because many people with eating struggles aren’t used to being kind to themselves. In my past experience, being kind to myself seemed like an alien concept. It felt cringy to “love myself” as the body positivity movement encouraged, it was just too big of a jump. But, very gradually, with baby steps, I started to build little bits of acceptance. I don’t think it’s realistic to love yourself all the time, so it’s more about feeling good enough.
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Therapy often involves challenging your inner critic and reconnecting with the part of you that wants to heal. In my work, we often talk about the part that feels safe in the eating disorder and the opposite part that longs to be free. Counselling can help grow and strengthen that wise, compassionate part.
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​Healing your Relationship with Food

As an eating disorder counsellor, it can be surprising how much we don’t just talk about eating! My approach is Integrative and Pluralistic — this just means I work with a range of theories and approaches in a collaborative way. We all have different needs; some people need to process things from the past, and others need to focus on the present and challenge their thoughts and narratives. Many may benefit from both, and more. In this sense, healing your relationship with food is about looking deeper into the root causes and influences.

Healing and recovery may not be simple but I believe — through both personal and professional experience — that it is absolutely possible and worth it!

Mel is an online Integrative Counsellor and Trainer. Find out more about her services on her website below.

Originally published at https://www.melciavucco.com.